Join for FREE | Take the Tour Lost Password?
Shop deviantART for the
holidays and save BIG!
Click here! :holly:
[x]

deviantART

:flirty:
 


A gentle breeze came up, softly blowing against my cheeks and pushing back the tips of the green grass.  It sent hundreds of ripples through the verdant field and I felt them brush against my skin and clothes in perfect rhythm.  My eyes were pointed upward at a clear blue sky and caught the dancing clouds flowing across the sky.  Great shadows formed from the stray pieces of white in the blue ocean above as they slowly shifted through the sun’s rays.  When a shadow passed over my body, I closed my eyes and my mind was at peace, releasing itself from all the worries of daily life.

As my eyes opened, the bright light momentarily blinded me.  When the world came back into focus, a soft smile formed on my face and a contented sigh swirled into the air.  Spread all around me, the wind had picked up dandelion seeds and their ghostly edges caught the sunbeams.  Staring upward, I remembered lazy winter days when I laid in the snow and watched flakes fall down and cover my body.  But that endless white was a memory now, the heat had long since chased that into fond fantasies.  And then a dandelion seed landed on my forehead and lay sideways on my brow.  Picking it up and staring at it as the light reflected off of it and then watching the spectral seeds twirling around me in an elegant pattern, I thought that perhaps it wasn’t so different from snow.  As the seeds drifted down around and onto my body, I closed my eyes again, lost in winter dreams brought about by the soft sighs of a summer sky.
©2009 *lightsentry
:iconlightsentry:

Author's Comments

Something short, nothing particularly special

Summer has started, school is over!

Critiques


:iconduscamei:
The idea that this piece conveys is interesting. You do have a few grammar mistakes, most of them from run-on sentences. There are a couple of others, including the repetition of the word "sky" in the 3rd sentence. That being said, the biggest issue in this piece (in my opinion) is with your word choice. Many of your descriptions are a bit too cliche. "Gentle breeze," "clear blue sky," and "bright light" have all been used a bit too often. If you find more original ways to describe the feelings of the character and the surrounding landscape, it will make this piece infinitely more interesting.

I'm glad you're using some of your summer free time to work on your writing skills (your English teacher must be so proud). Good luck, and have fun with the rest of your summer!
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconmattiello:
There a few things you need to know.

Subject verb agreement is simple.

My dog(subject) ran(verb), and she(subject) ran(verb) fast.

You'll notice that each clause can stand by its own as a simple sentence, however, because they are alike, I added the conjunction and and placed a comma before it.

You'll also notice that (subject) (verb), (subject) (verb) is important when combining two independent clauses to make a compound sentence.

Now, if you look at your piece, you'll notice that you have to add a few commas. Once you've finished with this, just let me know

Good night and good luck,


-Joe-
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

Thank you for your Critique

You are not logged in.

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconshayerahol22:
:D Very nice! There's a few grammatical errors, but that's easily fixed.

--
"Being an author is like being in charge of your own personal insane asylum." -Graycie Harmon

no amm, YOU are the better artist. [link]
:iconsaiun:
The grammatical points have already been touched on. You should consider becoming more aware of the number of references you make to yourself. There are quite a few in this work. Like the grammatical errors they tend to disrupt the flow of the moment. That said, this is a beautiful moment to share. Thank you.
:iconlightsentry:
thank you ^^, I'm working on revising this and I'm so happy that so many people have given me such great advice

--
The sound of your footsteps makes a beautiful melody.
It's like ripples spreading out on a clear lake.
I watch your solemn form retreating,
Wishing I could listen to that sound forever.
-Kotoko, 'Kirei na Senritsu' (Rough Translation)
:iconlightsentry:
thank you to you as well for giving me crit ^^ it means a lot

--
The sound of your footsteps makes a beautiful melody.
It's like ripples spreading out on a clear lake.
I watch your solemn form retreating,
Wishing I could listen to that sound forever.
-Kotoko, 'Kirei na Senritsu' (Rough Translation)
:iconshayerahol22:
:D No problem! It was a good read!

--
"Being an author is like being in charge of your own personal insane asylum." -Graycie Harmon

no amm, YOU are the better artist. [link]

Details

June 3
1.7 KB

Statistics

5
2 [who?]
134 (0 today)
6 (0 today)

Site Map